Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
