Apparently you make a good broom.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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