I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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