theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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