Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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