So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
