Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
