Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
