We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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