I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
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there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
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You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
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