i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
