saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
