It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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