hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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