Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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