I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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