i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
