I think I won the penis lottery.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
