Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
