i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I need moral support for this bender
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
