Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
