Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
