went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
