Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
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we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
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What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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