I skipped work to stalk him.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Randomize
