I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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