Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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