Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
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Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
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Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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