thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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