Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
