Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
