We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
