My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
