So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
