Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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