...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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