Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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