Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Randomize
