this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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