i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
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jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
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All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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