Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Randomize
