I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
