Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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