just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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