I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
