Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
