my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Randomize
