I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
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