Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
That accounts for only three of the penises
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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