Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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