the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
But theres a keg here and me gusta
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
