It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
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