I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
